Burden
by candi711
Summary: Amanda was independent, she needed to be growing up. Unfortunately, that same sense of independence that has kept her alive is also the same thing that keeps her from living. She refuses to become a burden to others, and as such, she keeps herself distant from them as well. Rollisi.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I know I should be finishing up Betrayal's Sting, but I'm not feeling good about that story anymore. So, I decided I needed a break from it for a little bit to stretch my imagination and thus this story was born :) It will consist of only a few short chapters, so don't expect it to be a long one.**

Amanda's mouth was dry, her head was pounding and her whole body felt sore as she laid on her back with her eyes closed. She could feel the early morning sunlight streaming onto her face, the sudden brightness painful in her hungover state. She slowly turned onto her side with a small moan of annoyance. It was in that moment, however, that her eyes shot open with surprise. Laying right next to her was the still sleeping form of Carisi.

She suddenly sat up, a move she instantly regretted as she felt a wave of nausea pass over her. She slightly swayed in her upright position as she clung tightly to the sheets. Slowly she looked down and her heart dropped as she realized that she was in nothing but her birthday suit. Tentatively she risked a glance at her partner and realized he was in the same state. Most of the sheets were crumpled up on her side of the bed not leaving much to the imagination for the Italian detective's well-toned physique.

Clutching her chest in embarrassment, Amanda finally took the time to analyze the contents of the room around her. It was not her own and not one that she recognized, but considering the person laying next to her, she reasoned that she must be in his room, in his bed, naked. Her cheeks quickly turned a dark shade of red as she began to get flashes of the previous night.

The SVU had just closed one of their hardest hitting cases. A teenager was habitually being abused by his mother's boyfriend, both physically and emotionally. Carisi was the lead detective on the case and had instantly formed a bond with the kid, seeing much of his younger self in the boy. Carisi had confided in Amanda that it hurt him that the boy's own mother was complicit in the abuse, doing nothing to protect her son from the hands of her boyfriend. "That's not how a family should be" Amanda remembered Carisi saying dejectedly with a sad shake of his head.

The case struck close to home for Carisi, but it wasn't terrible, until the trial began, that is. The young teenager suffered from many problems due to his prolonged abuse. One day toward the end of the ordeal the boy finally snapped, lashing out at the man who had hurt him so much. He attacked the older man with a long knife on the court house stairs. It had all happened so fast right in front of Carrisi's eyes. The boy was able to kill the man he hated most but was instantly shot dead by an officer of the court.

"Come on, I'll buy you a drink" Amanda remembered offering him the night before, it was Friday and her babysitter was going to spend the night anyway. Amanda had anticipated it becoming an all nighter after the incident, she didn't need to rush home to Jesse. Amanda was actually surprised when he had taken her up on her offer. Unfortunately, the one drink became many more as they both lost their inhibitions with the potent liquid they consumed. Amanda didn't remember how they made it to Carisi's apartment, but just looking at her exposed state sent chilling visions of the passion they had shared afterward.

"Hmm" Carisi moaned as he shifted in bed, still very much asleep. Amanda's heartbeat increased rapidly as she was pulled from her recollection. She couldn't bear to see her partner's reaction to her being in his bed. She didn't want to see the regret that would be in his eyes after he would realize the situation they had placed themselves in. Silently she rose from the bed and collected her clothes that laid across her partner's floor, praying that Carisi would not wake up and hoping that he would have no recollection of their actions.

By the time Monday morning came around, the late-night romp was still at the forefront of her mind. She had been too nervous and embarrassed to call or even text Carisi but it seemed so was he because she did not hear from him the entire weekend. She was afraid. She was afraid of destroying her partnership with Carisi over one drunken mistake. Amanda had never been good in relationships, most of them ended in disaster with one, or both, of them leaving with emotional scars. She didn't want to ruin the comfortable friendship she now had with Carisi.

Somehow, Amanda had arrived at the precinct before her partner. She instantly dove straight into her work, hoping that if she was busy Carisi would not come up to her and talk about their one-night stand. She dreaded the impending awkward conversation. She knew he would tell her it was all a mistake, she didn't know why but she knew if he said those words it would hurt her. She also feared that he would say that he was sorry and that he took things too far in his drunken state. That was the last thing she wanted. She didn't want him to apologize like it was all his fault, she knew him well enough to know he could think that way.

Her eyes wandered to the squad room entranceway every once and a while to see if he had arrived. When he finally did, she couldn't help but notice how her nerve ends seemed to light on fire, her mind pulling her back to that night and replaying all that they did. She quickly put her head down and resumed her work as she tried her best to hide the way her face had become so flushed.

Carisi seemed to have been doing better than he had been the last time he was at work. Amanda kept observing him from the corner of her eye as he worked on the plethora of paperwork that came with their job. The Italian detective didn't seem the least bit off to Amanda, which was off putting for her. She kept anticipating him to pull her into the bunks so they could talk, but he never made such a move. He treated her like it was any other day at the office. This lack of development left Amanda feeling on edge the whole day.

"Hey, Boo" Fin said quickly as he leaned over his desk "you feeling okay? You've been kind of quiet and non-combative" the elder detective observed with a small smirk, but concern still shown in his eyes. If there was any person who could read Amanda when she didn't want them too, it was Fin. The elder man had been with her through all of her trials and tribulations since the moment she moved to the Big Apple. He had gained the respect of Amanda almost immediately, something that she almost never gave out so quickly.

"Yeah, yeah," Amanda said with a slight eye roll as she waved him off "I'm fine, just tired you know. Jesse is in the midst of her terrible twos. I would never have expected after all my time on the force, my biggest opponent would be my own daughter" she lied easily. It was true that Jesse was getting to her rambunctious stage, but Amanda's current state wasn't the result of her little girl's mishaps.

"Well she is your daughter so I can expect her to be extra stubborn, and from what I've seen of her, the apple doesn't fall from the tree" he responded with a slight chuckle. He quickly had to dodge a pen that was thrown at him, not moving fast enough and the instrument hitting him square in the chest. "I just hope you put her in martial arts, with your temper and physical abilities she would make a fearsome opponent" he added which caused him to be hit with a wadded-up sticky note this time as Amanda playfully chuckled along with him, she couldn't help but to agree.

The day carried on much like any other Monday. It wasn't until after she had left for home for the night that Amanda began to wonder if Carisi even remembered anything. He had drunk more than she had that Friday. If he did have any imagines in his head, he may have simply chalked those up to a drunken dream or fantasy. In one regard, Amanda let out a large sigh of relief, but a different side of her was surprisingly disappointed, and that part terrified her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating this, I really am having a difficult time with, well, time. Thanks so much for those wonderful reviews :) they are very encouraging.**

Days had passed and still, nothing was said between Amanda and Carisi about the bed they had shared after their time at the bar. The young blonde had found herself purposely avoiding the Italian detective at all cost when it came to anything other than work. She knew she was doing it, but at the same time, she couldn't stop herself from keeping her distance. Her mind and body were already in defense mode.

Amanda had a feeling that Carisi knew that she was avoiding him, it was not that difficult to figure out, however, her partner never said a word about it. Amanda didn't think he had remembered anything, he didn't act like he did. Carisi was just being respectful of Amanda, even if he was confused over her actions. In truth, he had his own issues to work out. Although he never said anything out loud, the whole squad knew that Carisi was still affected by the shooting of that young boy.

As the days passed, Amanda discovered that it became only that much more difficult to even think about confronting Carisi with what had happened between them. She felt guilty knowing something so intimate happened in her partner's bed but being the only one with memories of the event. She felt like, somehow, she had violated him. His trust, his right to know what had been done with his body. All of her training and instincts as an SVU officer were screaming at her to come clean, but all of her instincts as a woman who had been hurt in the past compelled her to protect herself and stay quiet. Amanda liked where she was in life, she was happy for once. She didn't want to mess this up, not her job or her partnership with Carisi.

The days continued to pass, and finally, Amanda felt like she could be around Carisi again without flashing back to the dance of tangled limbs they had performed on his bed. "Hey, Carisi, good work getting Carlos to confess and flip on his classmates. I thought he would deny his involvement with that gang rape all the way to trial. No matter how many times I see it I am always impressed at how you can pull on a perp's conscience like that" Amanda praised her partner's work as he exited the interrogation room. Amanda knew she was acting a little strange by suddenly flipping the switch from avoidance to exaggerated praise, but part of her wanted to hurry up and regain the ground she had lost. She hated to admit it, but she missed his company especially in the social setting.

"Well, it is easier when we have some common ground" Carisi smiled, he was mentally patting himself on the back. With that confession and Carlos's testimony, their case was going to end in their favor. "Who would have thought that we went to the same Catholic church, I think what really did it, though, was telling him that I would bring Father Marcus to speak with him"

"Now all that's left is to get this to Barba" Amanda responded as Carisi began to walk past her toward his own desk. She took a hidden deep breath "Do you want to grab a couple of beers tonight to celebrate?" she asked knowing full well what happened the last time they drank together. She made a mental promise to not let things get so out of hand again.

"Gee, I wish I could, Rollins," Carisi began apologetically and Amanda could feel the dull ache of disappointment at his words "I already have plans for afterward" he looked down at his watch "actually, I need to leave now if I'm going to meet her on time" he finished with a quick goodbye and hurried out of the squad room before Amanda had a chance to responded.

"Her?" she whispered aloud. Amanda ended up standing there shocked until Fin walk over and carelessly waved his hand in front of her face.

"You okay there partner?" He questioned as he walked around her to sit at his desk. He sat down with a slight thump and leaned back in his chair as he continued to study the young blonde detective.

"Y… Yeah" Amanda was able to answer once she came back from her shock at being rejected. Carisi had never turned her down for drinks before and this time it was to meet a woman. She took another breath and forced herself to ignore the tightness in her chest. Carisi had three sisters, for all she knew, he could be meeting with one of them.

"Carisi ditch you for Conny too?" Fin stated, catching Amanda by surprise

"Whose Conny?" she asked back a little too quickly

"Well, she's his new girlfriend I suppose. He's been sneaking out to meet with her almost constantly these past two weeks" he explained, curious how Amanda had failed to notice the strange behavior of their fellow detective

"He tell you about his girlfriend?" she could not help the bitter taste in her mouth as she spoke those words

"He didn't have to tell me anything, I'm a detective, Amanda, I figured it out," Fin said with a proud smirk on his face "and he's not very good when he's trying to text her about meetings, I read his texts over his shoulder"

Amanda could only nod at his words as she slowly took a seat at her own desk. Her heart was racing and her mind was reeling. How could she have missed that? When did he meet this girl and why hadn't Carisi said anything? If she wasn't in the middle of the squad room, Amanda knew that she would have probably started pacing the room in order to expel her emotional turmoil as unneeded energy.

"You don't seem alright, Manda, does this have anything to do with why you were avoiding him?" Fin asked out of concern

"I wasn't avoiding him" Amanda fired back in defense, she may have felt unbalanced at that moment but she was always quick to act in regards to protecting herself from looking weak or vulnerable.

"Yeah, you were" her partner rebuked her claim just as quickly "There is no way I wouldn't have noticed. Did he do something to you? Do you need me to talk with him?" Fin offered protectively. He had always watched out for his partner, even from herself, and if Carisi had crossed a line he would take care of it.

"No Fin," Amanda said sternly. She always apricated his affection towards her, but she hated being a burden on others. This was something that didn't need to be known. "I'm fine and Carisi's fine. I just didn't expect him to have a girlfriend, you know, someone who could actually stand listening to him ramble on all day" she said with a small chuckle hoping her partner would by her response.

* * *

That night Amanda didn't go straight home. Her body still buzzed with emotions she couldn't quite understand. She didn't want to change her relationship with Carisi. She didn't want to ruin him like she had so many people in her past, but she also didn't want to lose him either. Amanda knew it was selfish of her to think like that. Carisi wasn't some book on the self that she could pick up and use when it was convenient for her, all the while, hoarding him all for herself. He was a person, a wonderful person, that deserved to have what he wanted, even if it wasn't Amanda.

"How could I have been such a fool," she said to herself as she walked the dark streets at night. She wanted to take her time, she was in no hurry to get where she was going.

"Well you're a fool among company at least" she heard a voice tell her from behind. Amanda quickly turned around in surprise to find a woman in her late twenties with long brown hair walking behind her. "I'm sorry if I startled you, I have a problem with speaking before I think, especially when I'm nervous" the younger woman continued as Amanda regained her bearings. The young detective had been so caught up in her thoughts that she had forgotten to be observant of her surroundings. "You're here for the meeting as well, right?" Amanda turned around again to find that she had already arrived at her destination. The steps to the basement of Saint Anne's, the location of Gambler's anonymous.

With the stress of the last few days coupled with the revelation of a few hours ago, Amanda could not deny that her body craved the sweet rush of the game. A chance to be swept up in anything other than the issues of her life. She wanted to gamble and gamble big. The urge was strong, but Amanda's love for her daughter was stronger. At that moment, the only thing that kept her from plummeting down the rabbit hole again was her promise to Jesse that she would not grow up the way she had.

Going back was a big decision for Amanda as well. She had not returned to GA since her encounters with Nate. The man and everything around him had left a dark stain on the organization for her. She would usually go to Fin or Carisi when this feeling returned, but this time she couldn't. If she went to Fin he would figure out that it was somehow related to Carisi. She couldn't go to Carisi because she didn't want him to know this was caused by her feelings for him. She was stuck with GA, at least it was a different location, far from Nate's old stomping ground so she could limit her chance of running into him.

"Yeah, I am. This is my first time going to a meeting here, though" Amanda responded to the younger woman's question "Are you a regular?"

"Me? No" The young brunette responded with a slight chuckle "this is actually my first meeting ever, hence the reason why I'm so nervous" she reached out her hand in greeting "my name's Alex, nice to meet you"

"Amanda" the young blonde detective answered back

* * *

Another week had passed and Amanda found herself going to her GA meetings every night. She had found a very unexpected friend in the younger woman. They had shared many of the same forms of abuse as children and even connected over the fact that they both had children of a young age. Although Amanda would never have wanted to become a sponsor, she found herself as a quasi-one. She became a sobriety friend, and Amanda found herself smiling at the thought. She couldn't remember the last time she actually had a friend not in the NYPD.

"Hey, Alex" Amanda spoke into her cell phone as she sat at her desk. A recent case had taken a turn for the worse and it was all hands-on deck. This meant that she had to cancel her movie plans with Alex, although the movie plans involved the DVD of "the Secret Lives of Pets" Alex's 3-year-old daughter and Jesse. "I'm sorry I have to miss movie night tonight" there was a pause while she listened to the other person. She gave a small smile "yeah, that would be great. Okay, it's a deal. I'll see you then" she ended the phone call and caught the eyes of Fin and Carisi.

"Whose Alex?" Fin questioned with a suggestive tone.

"Nobody that concerns you," Amanda said playfully back "and any relations I have with Alex is my own business" she added with a wink. She knew by the way he asked her, Fin thought it was a guy she was dating. She wasn't going to correct him, in fact, she actually took pleasure from the fact that they thought she was seeing someone. It was a twisted sort of pleasure, enjoyment that came from the small look of jealousy held in Carisi's eyes as she spoke.

"Well… I hope he treats you right, Amanda" it was the slight disappoint in his tone that diminished her pleasure. She suddenly felt bad, but the lie had been said and she wasn't going to tell the truth now.


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda woke up late that morning. She had spent much of the night up, the terrible pull of nausea keeping her from sleeping. It didn't help that she had a late night at work, She came home absolutely exhausted and grabbed week old left overs, without warming them up, to shove into her mouth before bed. She had instantly regretted that decision.

The young mother slowly pulled herself out of bed and made her way to the kitchen. She forwent any breakfast knowing that she would inevitably see it again that day anyway if she ate in her current state, and poured herself a large cup of coffee. The caffeine did little to soothe her stomach, but she was out of time, her babysitter arrived and she needed to rush to work, knowing that she was already late.

Amanda tried to sneak in without being noticed, especially by Olivia. She had been doing so well at being on time, she hated to let down her boss in this regard considering how much trouble she had caused the elder woman in the past over it. "You're late, Rollins" Olivia's voice rang out as soon as Amanda walked into the squad room.

"Sorry bout that" Amanda answered meekly with a slight flinch. It was just her luck that Olivia would have been right in the middle of the room when she walked in. For a moment, Amanda considered making up some excuse for her reason for being late but then thought better of it. She wanted to be done with lying, she still felt a slight bitter taste every time Fin brought up Alex, still thinking it was her boyfriend.

The blonde detective walked slowly to her desk and laid her things on the counter top before she sat down herself. She took a deep breath, her small attempt to try and settle her still very upset stomach. "Are you feeling okay, Amanda?" Olivia asked noticing the younger woman's deliberate movements "you look awfully pale"

"Yeah, yeah" Amanda waved her hand slightly in a dismissive manner "I'm good, just some bad leftovers last night that should have been thrown away" she explained with a sheepish smile. It was embarrassing to have people question her health. Amanda always took it as a question of her competence in taking care of herself and not the usual friendly gesture of concern that it typically was.

"Do you need a few hours to settle yourself?" Olivia asked. The elder woman knew that a sick detective was hardly useful in the field. She also was concerned about Amanda's health, she knew that her younger detective wouldn't hesitate to say that she was fine if only to not be a burden on others.

"I'm good Lieu" Amanda answered back with a strong nod, a stronger one than she should have given because it sent her stomach for a swirl, but she didn't let that show.

It didn't take long for her to get back into the swing of her work day, regardless of her nausea. She had her head down focusing hard of her paperwork when suddenly a green can was placed right at the edge of her desk. Slowly she turned her head to look at the green Ginger Ale before allowing her eyes to trail up the hand that held it to find Carisi.

"Here, you should drink this" he began with a concerned smile "it works wonders, believe me. I used to be my sister's guinea pig when they were learning how to cook for their boyfriends. I drank so much of this stuff that I should have bought stock in the company, but hey they weren't natural cooks like me" he finished with a playful smirk

"Thanks, Carisi, I probably should have known better than to eat week old Chinese food from the place down the street" Amanda explained as she took the offered drink and opened it

"Wait, you went there?" Carisi asked in surprise "and you even ate the leftovers, geese Rollins, you really did ask for it. I don't even know how that place hasn't been shut down by the health department yet"

"Well you say that, but you have to admit the food is good" Amanda gave a wry smile while Carisi simply huffed at her reasoning

"I'm not so sure it's food poisoning" Fin spoke up from his desk, he had witnessed the whole scene play out before him "you know my girl" he jutted his thumb at Amanda "she has a stomach made of iron. Leftovers wouldn't have gotten her feeling sick"

"Oh really?" Amanda responded with an eye roll

"I bet it's her lover boy's fault," Fin said smugly as he sat back in his chair and crossed his arms "you getting all close and cuddly with this guy, he probably gave you some bug"

Amanda could see Carisi stiffen in response to the mention of her fake boyfriend before he relaxed again making Amanda wonder what that reaction was actually about. "Shut it Fin, Alex didn't get me sick," she said confidently, which was the truth because she had not even seen the other young mother for about a week.

"Hmmm" Fin responded with disbelief, "I think it's time me and Carisi met this Alex and had a talk, you know guy to guy"

"And why in the hell do you think I would let you do that?" Amanda said in a laughingly shocked tone

"Because we're your partners and it's our job to make sure the guy your shagging is on the up and up," Fin said back playfully as he wiggled his eyebrows. Amanda knew Fin was only playing around and trying to get a rise out of her, if not Amanda would have been very offended. She despised when people thought she needed to be taken care of. She hated being a burden on anyone, her independent nature couldn't take that.

"Well I for one have full faith in Amanda, and will gladly meet this guy when she wants to introduce us," Carisi said seriously before he walked away to continue with his work.

"Wonder what's wrong with Carisi?" Amanda asked after several seconds, she knew Fin was only joking, and while she appreciated Carisi's confidence in her, she couldn't help but hear the attitude in his words.

"He's probably just upset that you seem to be having a better love life than him, you know how he's been seeing Conny, well they went from seeing each other a lot, to now… well hardly. I think he's only seen her once in the last two weeks" Fin explained quietly, not wanting their conversation to be overheard "at least he's still seeing her, look at me I haven't had a date in two months" he complained with mock indignation

"What? I thought you went on dates all the time, I mean why else would that stripper have known your name?" she laughed as she recalled that investigation at the strip club where a stripper came on to Fin and said she missed him.

"Hey, I told you I was undercover then" Fin whispered hard leaning closer to her not wanting others to know what they were talking about.

"Yeah, and your undercover name was Detective Tutuola?" she laughed and had to dodge a small rolled up piece of paper thrown at her face. She was still grinning over her small win as they got back to work. It must have been the playful talk with Fin or the drink Carisi had given her, but either way, she felt much better than she did in the morning.

* * *

It was just after lunch when a young woman came slowly into the squad room escorted by a uniformed officer. The Uni took the woman straight to Olivia who was standing in the middle of the squad room, about to head into her office "She wanted to speak to someone"

"Okay, we got her?" Olivia answered as she called Carisi over to join in the interview. They walked her into the conference room. While Fin and Amanda went into Olivia's office so they could watch and listen from inside.

"Hey Hun, do you want anything, like some water or tea?" Olivia asked the young frightened woman who couldn't have been older than 22.

"No" was the only response given

"Okay, can you tell us your name, why you're here," Carisi asked to begin the interview.

"My name's Kaylie Andrews, I uh… I think I… was raped?" she sounded unsure of herself

"You think?" Carisi repeated, not sure where this victim was going

"Well, Jerome… Jerome Michaels, he's my boyfriend. We've had sex before… just last time…" a tear trailed down her face and she bit her lip

"Honey, it doesn't matter if he was your boyfriend, or even if you were married. If you didn't want to have sex, then it was rape" Olivia explained kindly and the younger woman slowly nodded her head in understanding.

"I just… I think it was my fault. Jerome has a temper and… I pushed his limits. I was mad at him so I made him angry on purpose. I went out with some friends last night without telling him. When I got home this morning… I knew he would be angry. I just didn't think that angry. He hit me harder than usual… and then he made me… I didn't want to" Kaylie explained in a rush as tears poured down her face

"Kaylie, it's not your fault. Even if you did make him mad on purpose. Jerome has no right to lay a finger on you, ever. It's on him. All of it" Carisi stated firmly as he gave the distressed woman a reassuring look.

"Are you willing to come to the hospital with us and do a rape kit?" Olivia asked gently, "it would help your case to gather evidence"

Olivia soon left the room, giving Carisi the opportunity to explain the process to Kaylie. "Alright Fin…" she looked over at Amanda and remembered how the younger woman felt in the morning "are you feeling better Amanda? I can go with Fin to talk to Jerome while Carisi takes Kaylie to the hospital"

"No, Liv, I'm feeling much better" Amanda responded instantly. She wasn't about to let herself be sidelined over a little stomach ache.

"Alright, look up Jerome Michaels, and bring him back here for questioning" Olivia ordered, giving Amanda and Fin their cue to leave her office. While her team was handling this new case, she could finish the paperwork of the countless others that come to her desk.

It did not take long for Fin and Amanda to find some basic information on Kaylie's boyfriend because he was already in the system. "Jerome Michaels, age 28, convicted three years ago of assault and battery. There's also a record of him going to Juvie, but it's all sealed. He's currently on parole, works in construction and is living with his current girlfriend, Kaylie" Fin read from his notepad as the pair made their way to the couple's apartment.

"She sure picked a winner with this one then," Amanda said sarcastically as they made their way up to the third floor. She realized after she spoke that she really didn't have room to judge considering her own epic failures at picking the right guy. At this point in her life, she wondered if she should even bother anymore. In fact, she reasoned, that she would be perfectly content with a family of only her and Jesse.

"Jerome Michaels" Fin yelled as he knocked on the door "police, open up" he added as he continued to holler.

They heard what sounded like someone being startled awake "Yeah! Hold your horses!" their suspect shouted back. "Dammit, Kaylie, I swear to god if you lost your keys again, I am going to…" he stopped abruptly as the door swung open and he realized that it wasn't his small girlfriend who was banging on the door.

"You're going to what?" Fin asked harshly in the silence that followed Jerome's shock

"Wha.. who the hell are you people," Jerome asked defensively. Fin and Amanda could instantly tell that he was on something.

"We're detectives with the special victims unit, we have some questions to ask you about this morning" Amanda answered him as she pushed the corner of her jacket aside to show her badge.

"This morning? I was here all morning, you could ask my girlfriend Kaylie" Jerome said as he crossed his arms, trying to appear intimidating.

"Kaylie, huh, and is she here with you right now?" Fin questioned back looking over Jerome's shoulder as if he expected her to be within the apartment and not at the hospital with Carisi.

"Nah, she just left to go to the store, you know, we needed milk" he replied closing the door behind him some more. He had things inside he didn't want the cops to see.

"Uh ah," Fin said with clear disbelief "well, why don't you come with us down to the station and we can talk bout your morning activities with Kaylie"

"Did she say something?!" Jerome instantly fired back as he became more agitated "did that bitch accuse me of hurting her, she's a liar. Did she tell you that she cheated on me? I bet that bitch left that part out, she's always playing the pity pity me card"

"Hey, we're just trying to figure out what really happened this morning. That's why we're here, to get your side of the story" Amanda said calmly trying to de-escalate the situation. "It would be in your best interest to come down to the station and tell us what happened from your perspective.

Jerome nodded his head in agreement. "You're right, I need to do what's in my best interest," he said as he took a step forward and shut the door behind him. The next few moments happened so fast that Fin and Amanda had no time to react. Jerome had an athletic build and was much faster than the detectives would have thought. In one quick move, he lunged at Fin and kneed him hard in his privates, sending the elder man to his knees. In his next move, before Amanda could draw her fire arm or react in any other way, he swung his fist out as hard as he could and hit the young detective straight in the head sending her into the wall before she blacked out.

"Son of a bitch" Fin yelled as he moved to where his partner's body had landed, still in large amounts of pain, he pulled out his phone and called dispatch telling them that his partner was hurt and needed medical assistance and that their suspect was on the run. "Come on baby girl, please wake up" Fin pleaded as he kneeled next to his partner, she gave no sign of response "you're going to okay," he said more to himself than to the unconscious blonde, cradling her closer, "you're going to be okay".

 **A/N: A bit of a cliffhanger there, but I just can't help it :) Thanks for reading, and for the wonderful comments. Some of you made some predictions or at least were asking the right questions lol.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: In response to one of my reviewers, I find that sometimes I am typical ;) lol. Don't worry Amanda and Sonny will have a real talk soon. The reason there are so many misunderstandings between them now is that they have been avoiding each other, but they can only hide for so long.**

The first thing she became aware of was the pounding in her head. The constant ache was an annoying focal point for her just awakening state. She heard herself groan as she began to slowly move her stiff arms and legs. It was the harsh fluorescence lights, however, that finally gave her the final push into full consciousness. "Oh, my head" she whispered past her dry lips "what… what happened?"

"You were attacked by our suspect, he gave you a good hit to your head" a calm, but concerned, voice explained from her bedside. Slowly Amanda tilted her head to see her Lieutenant sitting on a chair by her side, "do you remember anything?"

"I… we knocked on his door… he was going to come with us to the station" Amanda said after she licked her lips to return moisture to them only to find that her mouth felt dry as well. Noticing her detective's discomfort, the elder woman quickly handed her the small glass of water that laid on the bedside table. Amanda gave a small thank you after taking the glass and swallowing small sips of the refreshing liquid. "He kicked Fin in the balls…" Amanda continued but then paused as she had to think harder. She couldn't remember exactly what happened next, only flashes passed through her mind. "It kind of gets fuzzy from there," she said honestly "Fin yelling, an ambulance ride, doctors shining lights in my eyes… me angry"

Olivia let out a small chuckle, "yes, I heard you were not the best patient at first" her voice sounded a little lighter now "apparently you fought them the whole examination, you've been asleep for the last four hours, though, of course, the nurses have been coming by every so often to wake you up". Olivia's face then became more thoughtful "you have a minor concussion, Amanda, nothing too serious. They'll actually release you today if the rest of the tests come back normal, but only on the condition someone stays with you tonight"

Amanda let out an annoyed groan. She hated when people fussed over her, she hated to put people out. It made her feel weak. "I'm fine, Liv" she looked down at the hospital gown she was wearing "can you get me my clothes, I hate wearing these things" she added as she pulled at the material around her shoulders.

"They'll bring it to you when they're ready to release you," Olivia told her with a slight smirk, she hoped for the hospital's sake that Amanda was going home that night or else the nurses were going to be in for a difficult fight.

Amanda simply huffed in frustration knowing that it was futile to argue with Olivia about her clothes. Instead, she changed the topic "what about Michaels, did we get him?" she asked wondering about the man who had put her into the hospital in the first place.

"We got him," Olivia said firmly "he was tased three times before finally being taken down. He was on a strong cocktail of drugs that made him paranoid and violent. He's currently at Belview now with Carisi"

"I should have known better," Amanda said disappointed "I knew he was tripping the instant he opened that door, I should have been more prepared"

"No, it's my fault," Olivia said cutting into Amanda's self-blame "I knew you were feeling sick today, but I still sent you out into the field with Fin. The doctor even said that your blood pressure was low and that you were dehydrated. I should have sent you home in the morning"

"And you know that I wouldn't have listened" Amanda gave a slight smirk before her face fell again "how's Fin?" she questioned. She was surprised to not have him there, he was the most protective person over her.

"I sent him home for the rest of the day" Olivia answered truthfully "I nearly had to pry him out of this chair, but the doctor gave him orders to um… ice a certain part of his body intermittently for the next few hours and I didn't think it apocopate for him to do that here"

"Oooh" Amanda cringed slightly with a small smirk "we better not let him anywhere near Michaels or else I fear what Fin would do"

"Agreed" Olivia answered with a small chuckle

A knock at the door interrupted their conversation, "hello, I'm Dr. Andrews" an older man wearing a white coat explained as he entered the room "I'm just here to explain the result of some of the blood tests that we put a rush on, I was concerned about your low blood pressure and dehydration"

"And?" Amanda responded almost impatiently. She wanted him to tell her what she already knew, that she was okay to go home.

"Well, I see you have company" he stated the obvious "would you like me to tell you now or wait until you are alone?"

Amanda looked over at Olivia, she could tell that the elder woman was ready to excuse herself from the room. "No, you can tell us now" Amanda answered. She reasoned that Olivia would have to find out about her health anyway before being allowed back into the field. Why bother putting off the inevitable?

"Well, the good news is that you can certainly return home today and that we found the reason for your symptoms from earlier" the gray-haired man stated as he looked directly at Amanda. There was a pause as they waited for the doctor to explain what was the cause he mentioned earlier. "Also, it seems" he began again with a smile "congratulations are in order, Ms. Rollins, you are pregnant"

The air instantly felt colder for Amanda. For several seconds, she couldn't even process the information that had been given to her. She froze. She couldn't hear or see anything in the room, all she could think was, how? She hadn't dated in years, she hadn't slept with anyone…. "No" she whispered in shock.

"Amanda?" Olivia was surprised by the news as well, however, she was more concerned at how the younger woman seemed to have shut down. She had called her name but had received no response, she tried again "Amanda?" but still the same result. She was about to reach out to her detective until she heard the younger woman whisper.

"No, no, no, no" Amanda began to say slightly louder "this can't be happening" Amanda added shaking her head.

Olivia quickly grew concerned for the younger woman. "Well, you're still early enough in the pregnancy that you have options," the doctor said pulling both women's attentions back onto himself. He looked down at his watch, Olivia could tell by the man's body language that he didn't want to get pulled into whatever was happening with her detective. "I have more patients to see, but if you need anything, like information of those options, just ask the nurse," he said calmly before leaving the rooms.

Olivia stood dumb struck for a moment after the doctor had shut the door behind him. She could not believe that a physician would turn tail the moment his patient became distressed. The Lieutenant did not have long to focus on that situation, however, as she soon began to hear Amanda's breathing become erratic. "Amanda?" Olivia called as she gently began rubbing her hand down the younger woman's arm. The brunette could tell that her detective was starting to work herself into a panic attack.

"Liv, I can't do this" Amanda said weakly as she began rocking herself in gentle motions "why do these things keep happening to me, why do I keep messing up like this?" tears were now streaming down her face

Olivia stared down at her in confusion for a moment. "What do you mean?"

Amanda let out a shaky sigh and avoided eye contact "this" she said as she placed a hand on her stomach "my history with men… I mean look, I only have Jesse because of a one-night stand" she looked back at Olivia "now don't get me wrong, she's the best thing to ever happen to me, I'd never give her up" she added defensively "but she's the only good thing to come out of my interactions with men, I managed to screw everything else up and damage my life and theirs. I mean, come on, look at my track record" she held out her hand and raised a finger for every name "there was Declan, Nick, Nate, Sam, Patton…" Amanda was cut-off mid-rant

"Whoa, wait right there, Amanda" Olivia said quickly before the younger woman could continue in her emotional downward spiral "I get it, you've made some bad decisions with guys in the past and that's normal, I've made plenty of my own, but I will not let you put Patton in that category" she said sternly "he was not your choice, and it was not your fault" she said with a certain finality in her tone that left no room to argue. Sometimes Olivia wondered if Amanda still blamed herself for everything that had occurred with Taymor, she questioned if Amanda ever properly dealt with that trauma like she had told her.

"I'm sorry" Amanda answered in a much calmer voice than she was speaking with earlier "I guess I was just caught up with everything I named everyone who…" she sighed "I'm okay" she added weakly trying to move past the subject. She wanted to be alone to think, and she knew Liv wouldn't do that if she continued to rant.

"No, Amanda, you're not okay" Olivia replied to the obvious lie "you just found out some life-altering news, it's okay to be shocked… I um, I know you've been seeing this guy Alex…" she paused for a second to try and make eye contact with Amanda again as the younger woman hid her eyes behind her bangs "does he not want kids? Is that why you seemed so distraught?"

Amanda let out a harsh chuckle, void of any real positive emotion "no, Alex... Alex is not my boyfriend. It's not even a guy" Olivia gave her a questioning look but remained quiet "she's another mom that goes to my GA meetings. We hang out so Jesse can have playdates and I act like a quasi-sponsor" Olivia nodded her head to show that she was still listening "I only let the guys think it was my boyfriend because…" in Amanda's head she knew the truth was because she was jealous of Carisi's relationship with Conny, she wanted to make him jealous of her, but she would never tell that to Olivia "I was tired of them trying to pry into my personal life"

"The guys can be noisy sometimes, but that's because they care" Olivia said as she reached out and grabbed Amanda's hand "and I care too" she added truthfully with a small smile "do you know who the father is?" she knew she was asking a very personal question but she couldn't help it. The inner detective in her always strived to get answers.

Amanda's cheeks flushed a little at the question but she answered anyway "Yeah, I know who it is, there's only one person who it can be. I haven't had the chance to go out much after Jesse" she gave a sad shrug as she continued to speak without thinking "the sadder part is I can't actually remember it, only waking up in his bed"

Olivia's ears instantly keyed into that piece of the story "what do you mean you can't remember it?" she found herself asking before she could help herself. Her mind automatically drifting into darker waters

Amanda, as a seasoned SVU officer herself, knew exactly where Olivia was going with her question "no, Liv, it wasn't like that, I promise" she explained quickly "we were both drunk and having a bad night. He's actually one of the best men I've ever met"

"But you're still afraid of telling him" Olivia was able to perceive by the younger woman's reaction from earlier

Amanda nodded her head slowly "He ended up getting into a relationship right after we…" she felt like such a slut telling this to Olivia, even if the elder woman wouldn't have thought it herself "he's a great guy, he'd want to take responsibility for this. I know he would, but he has such a bright future, I can't be the one to hold him back. I can't ruin his life" Amanda said as she found her eyes watering again at the thought of Carisi's future going down the drain because of her.

"What do you want, Amanda?" Olivia asked getting the focus of their conversation back to the younger woman in the room "you seem so concerned about him, but what about you?"

"I… I don't know," she said honestly "I have always been a proponent of a woman's choice, but I don't know here. I don't think I could raise this one by myself with Jesse, but it's because of my daughter that it hurt's just to think about abortion right now" she said with a sad smile as tears were pooling at the edges of her eyes. "Then, to add on top of everything, I feel like it would be such an injustice to terminate his baby, even if he was to never find out. He would make an awesome father, and I could only imagine what type of person his child would be. I don't… I don't think I could ever look at him again"

Olivia digested her words for a moment before commenting "you have feelings for this guy" it wasn't a question but a statement. Amanda nodded her head in shame at her own self-perceived weakness in this situation. "Look, Amanda" the elder woman began slowly "I can't tell you what's the right thing to do, only you know that answer" she squeezed her detective's hand "but just know that whatever you do decide, I will support you one hundred percent"

Amanda could see the sincerity in Olivia's eyes, and for the first time, she felt that the elder woman wasn't going to judge her on her every action. That she truly cared for her as a friend. Unfortunately, the moment was cut short as a nurse walked into the room, giving Amanda the forms to sign for her discharge and her normal clothes to change into. The nurse told them what the doctor ordered in regard to Amanda's ability to return to work, and Olivia was not surprised when Amanda protested. The brunette was going to ask the nurse some more questions but before she could her phone began to ring and she had to excuse herself from the room.

"Yeah, Carisi" Olivia answered after she stepped out and saw the caller ID

"How's Amanda?" he asked over the phone. Olivia could tell that her second youngest detective was outside by the background noise she could hear

Olivia paused before answering, she thought back to the conversation she just had with the younger woman and pinched the bridge of her nose "she's uh, she's fine. A minor concussion. The doctor wants her to take the next two days off, and then at least two weeks of desk duty" she explained the facts that she knew would become common knowledge anyway

"I bet she didn't like that" Carisi responded and Olivia could tell that he was smiling at the thought of Amanda fighting the doctor on that issue

"No, she didn't. In fact, she also must have someone stay with her tonight, and I think she hates that even more" Olivia continued to explain. She paused before she added "do you think you can do it? I would, but I have a sick Noah to watch tonight, and Fin is injured himself"

"Of course, I'll do it" Carisi responded without hesitation "I was actually on my way to the hospital now, I just finished up with Michaels at Belview. I was going to see Conny today, but I'm going to skip it, she'll understand"

"Wait don't come down right now," Olivia said as she looked over her shoulder at the door she knew Amanda was behind. "Amanda's going to get released soon, I can take her home, I just can't stay" she explained, but the truth was that she didn't want Carisi to see her so soon after her emotional roller coaster. She was already having great guilt about not being able to be the one to watch her, she didn't want to add to it by compromising Amanda any further by introducing her to Carisi before she had the chance to properly digest the news given to her. "Besides, you should keep your appointment with Dr. Connally, I personally understand the benefits of speaking to someone after such a day"

"Are you sure?" Carisi questioned back. He wanted to be there for Amanda. He already hated that he had to babysit the bastard who had hurt his partner for so long while not being able to be with her at the hospital.

"Yeah, just come to Amanda's apartment after your appointment" Olivia ordered before she hung up the phone. With a sigh, she turned around to reenter the room before adding to herself "if only I could convince Amanda to talk to a therapist like I did with Carisi, God knows that she would only benefit from it after all of this"

 **A/N: So many misunderstandings from such an innocent thing lol :) thank you guys so much for reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me. Next chapter Carisi and Amanda are finally going to be forced to spend some time together.**


	5. Chapter 5

Amanda could hear them talking outside of Jesse's room. They were whispering and trying to hide it, but she knew they were talking about her and what the doctor had wanted them to do for her. She paced the room anxiously waiting for something to happen, waiting for Olivia to spill her secret to Carisi. Logically, she knew that Olivia would never do that to her, but that didn't help her nerves any.

Jesse let out a soft coo from her crib catching Amanda's attention. Slowly, the young mother approached her sleeping one and a half year old and stood over her. The blonde woman watched her daughter's chest rise and fall in a smooth and steady rhythm. Amanda had never in her life loved something as whole heartedly and as easily as she did her daughter. Before Jesse had come around, she had questioned if she wanted children. She did not have the best example for a family, and the one thing she knew was that she didn't want a child to grow up the way she had to. However, now, Amanda was certain that her biggest accomplishment in life was having Jesse. She could not imagine her life without her, she would die for her.

As these thoughts drifted through Amanda's mind, her hand subconsciously strayed to her stomach. She knew how she felt about Jesse, but she was unsure about the life growing in her at that moment. She didn't know if she could raise a second child by herself. If she could afford it. She didn't want to tell Carisi, she didn't want to ruin his life, but she also wasn't sure if she wanted to abort his child. She didn't know what to do.

"Baby girl" Amanda whispered gently as she leaned over Jesse's crib and softly rubbed her finger along her daughter's head "mama messed up again," she said as she could feel emotions rising in her; fear, anxiety, love. "I know we don't have the easiest life, but it's good. I have a chance of having another little miracle like you, but like you, its father would not be here for us. It would just be us. I don't think I can do it on my own" she felt tears gather in her eyes as she continued to speak to her sleeping child. "Would you forgive me if I stole your chance away at being a big sister… would he" she added as she thought about the possibility of Carisi discovering her misdeeds if she had an abortion. She knew deep down that he would hate her forever, lose any chance of being with him. But, at that moment in time, Carisi was already lost to her. He was with some other woman.

The tears finally began to fall from her eyes as she leaned away from the crib and turned her back to her sleeping child. Amanda had promised she would always be strong for Jesse, and in her head, that included not crying in front of her. Even in her sleep.

There was a gentle knock at the door and Amanda quickly tried to wipe the tears from her eyes, but it was too late. Olivia walked into the room and instantly knew that Amanda had been crying. "Amanda?" Olivia softly questioned as she closed the door behind her "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am" Amanda replied quickly, cheeks flushing in embarrassment "I was just… thinking, I'm fine really" she tried to assure the elder woman

Olivia looked at her for several seconds with a soft expression, she knew how difficult Amanda's position must be, even if she didn't know the full scope of the situation. "It's okay to be a little disorientated right now, Amanda" she began "and I'm sure it's not ideal to have Carisi stay with you during this time, but you need someone here. I wish I could be the one to help you right now, but Noah needs me"

Amanda knew that Olivia was genuine in her words. She also knew that she was stuck. The last person Amanda wanted to be alone with that night was Carisi, but there was no one else who could stay with her, and Amanda feared that if she protested too much Olivia would figure out that her pregnancy was a result of a drunken night with Carisi. "I understand, Liv, if Jesse needed me I wouldn't want to be anywhere else either. Go be with your son, I am okay" she finished appearing and sounding much more composed than she was when the elder woman first came into the room.

"Alright" Olivia responded as she turned for the door "Carisi is making dinner, and he brought an overnight bag which I placed on the couch" right before she opened the door she added "Amanda, remember, I'm here for you. Whatever you decide to do, I'll support you"

Amanda was thankful that she knew she had at least one person in her corner. The young mother waited another minute before she finally decided that she couldn't hide in her daughter's room any longer. She took a deep breath to compose herself again and opened the door.

The first thing Amanda noticed after leaving the room was the sounds of sizzling food coming from her stove. The stove that only ever seemed to work when Carisi was there. "I hope you don't mind" she heard Carisi's voice say. She looked at him in time to see him flip an egg in the skillet "but it was too late to make anything else, so I hope you like breakfast for dinner" he smiled as he placed the over-easy egg on a plate and walked over to the table.

"To be honest, I'm not that hungry" Amanda said truthfully as she looked at the pancakes and eggs that were already on the table. She hadn't been hungry since she found out the news, she wondered if she'd eat ever again.

"Oh, sorry," Carisi said in a faint voice as he tried to hide his disappointment

"But, since it smells so good I think I'll eat some. The doctor would probably want me to as well" Amanda gave him a fake smile. She didn't want to eat, but the least she could do was attempt to put some food into her mouth.

"Good, because Lieu made me responsible for your health tonight. If anything happens she'll probably place my head on a platter" he joked as he sat at the table. Amanda did the same.

"Hmm, so does that mean you'll be waiting on me hand and foot? Because I have some chores that need to be done, and paperwork that you can do" Amanda joked back with a real smile this time.

"Nope, not this time, Manda. The last time I helped you with chores I somehow ended up buying you a new T.V" Carisi laughed at the memory

"That's because you broke my old one" she laughed back as she pointed a finger at him "and I didn't ask you to try and mount the T.V on the wall, I was perfectly okay with it sitting on my stand" she added as she rolled her eyes. Suddenly she found herself feeling much more relaxed and wanting to eat. Amanda reached for the ketchup and poured some on top of her eggs, she took a bite and savored the flavor. She didn't particularly like eggs all that much, but the one in front of her tasted divine.

While she was eating, she noticed Carisi was staring at her with an unreadable expression. "Do I have something on my face?" she questioned once she swallowed her food

Her voice seemed to knock him from his thoughts. He shook his head and smiled "no, I just…. I missed this" he said genuinely "I missed you and Jesse. I feel like we haven't spent a lot of time with each other for the last few weeks"

Amanda nodded "yeah, I missed this too" she truly did, and she couldn't help but feel responsible again because it was her who had pulled away from him after their one-night stand. It was her fault that he was with someone else when he should have been with her.

That last thought caught Amanda by surprise, and she found herself shaking her head to remove the idea from her mind. Even without the one-night stand, she knew that they couldn't be together. The biggest reason being that they worked together, the next, and most important for her, was that she didn't think she was worthy of his affection. Now, with what she was hiding from him, she knew that she was right.

"Well, then let's get back into the old route then. I have some new recipes that I would love to experiment with" Carisi offered as he stood to clear the table.

"Well you know me, I hardly ever turn down free food. Plus, if you get me sick, I'll make you do whatever I want for a whole week" she paused before adding "or more, depending on how bad it was"

"So, it's always a win/win for you?" Carisi chuckled and gave her a pointed look "how about if you love my food, you have to do things for me" he added as he began washing the dishes. Luckily for him, he didn't make a big mess, so it was quickly finished.

"Like what?" Amanda asked

He thought for several seconds, and Amanda couldn't help but see the smirk cross his face. "I'll think about it, and tell you when the time comes"

"Why do I feel like I could be the one who is in a poor situation now" Amanda laughed and went to the couch and turned on the television. It didn't take long for Carisi to join her.

"Do you want a beer?" Carisi asked as he opened her fridge door

'Yes,' she thought to herself. She wanted one so bad at that moment, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. She may not be decided on how she was going to handle her pregnancy yet, but until she was, she was going to act like she did when she found out about Jesse. "Nah, I took some medicine today that I don't think mixes well with alcohol" she lied easily.

Without another word, Carisi joined her on the couch. They watched mind numbing reality T.V for two hours, and Amanda found her eyes drooping heavily. She didn't notice, but she eventually found herself asleep on Carisi's shoulder.

Carisi turned his head so he could watch his partner's resting face. "You scared me today, Amanda" he whispered toward the sleeping blonde once he knew that she would not wake up soon. "When I found out you went to the hospital, it nearly killed me. I wanted so bad to be with you" he tucked a stray hair out of her face. "I feel like this is my fault, I crossed a line at that bar with you. I scared you away. I'm sorry" he apologized, knowing that Amanda could not hear him.

Carisi stayed like that with Amanda on his shoulder for another hour. He didn't want to move her. He liked how close she was to him. He felt as if he had earned back some of her trust by having her asleep on him, but he knew it wasn't an appropriate position for someone to sleep in, especially, someone in Amanda's condition.

Gently, he wrapped his arms around her legs and cradled her neck. He maneuvered her body so that he was carrying her bridal style and slowly walked into her bedroom. He didn't want to disturb her so he simply laid her on top of her comforter and grabbed the throw blanket and put it on top of her. He stood there for several seconds watching her sleep peacefully.

Carisi wanted nothing more than to curl up next to her on that large bed and make sure that Amanda stayed safe and warm the whole night, but he couldn't. He would never invade Amanda's personal space like that without express permission. Without her being sober. He would never do what he did again, until she asked him.

 **A/N: So, it wasn't just Amanda who was avoiding things between them, but things will finally come to a head next chapter :) Also, next chapter should be the last if all goes according to plan, but these characters write themselves and sometimes they do and say things that I did not initially intend them to do lol. Thanks for taking the time to read and review :) it keeps me motivated**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Well this is the last chapter, it ended up being a lot longer than I had initially planned for it to be. It seems that Amanda and Carisi had a lot more to discuss than I thought, lol, but these characters really do write themselves :) Thanks for sticking through with this story and the long delays between updates hehe.**

Amanda was warm. The air smelled sweet and a soft breeze was blowing through her hair. The young mother watched as her little girl was finding her way up the steps to a small slid for the first time on her own. Jesse's loud giggling the most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She felt a kind of gentle happiness she had never anticipated ever feeling.

Slowly Amanda became aware of a slight weight in her arms. She looked down to find her holding a small newborn swaddled in a light green blanket. She was in love all over again. She knew this child in her arms was hers, her smile grew as she saw the small infant open its blue eyes to stare at her.

"It has your eyes" Amanda heard a voice say from behind her as she felt a strong hand land on her shoulder "and my chin" the voice laughed. She saw Carisi's head peak past hers as he leaned over her to gently caressed the side of his child's face.

"Sonny," Amanda said, happy to have the father of her child next to her. To be with her and her children. She watched him as he leaned back and took several steps forward. "Sonny?" Amanda repeated at this display of strange behavior.

Suddenly the warm feeling was gone, replaced with fear and dread. The soft sounds of the park had ceased and the air became cold. "How could you Amanda" Carisi hissed as he turned to face the young mother, his face contorted in anger. "How could you!" he yelled causing Amanda to back up in fear.

"Wait? I don't understand?" Amanda said confused, raising her hands in surrender "What did I do?" she was utterly taken aback by the sudden shift in events. Only moments ago, she was the happiest she had ever been, but now she was afraid of the one person she thought could never have betrayed her.

"You know what you did, look at your hands" he yelled as he pointed an angry finger at her

Amanda looked at her hands and noticed that her baby was gone. It was replaced by a patient intake form from an abortion clinic the nurse had told her about before she had left the hospital. She was shocked. A deep chill ran through her and she knew she had terminated her pregnancy, she had hoped that no one would find out. That Carisi wouldn't find out, but he knew. "I…" she started, not knowing what to say.

"You're what? The person who killed my child. Took away my right to be a father without even discussing it with me" Carisi looked disgusted "how could you, Amanda, I could have been there. I would have supported you, but you lied to me. You took away my voice in this matter" the pain irradiating from the Italian detective was so intense Amanda, herself, could feel it.

"I'm sorry" Amanda pleaded, feeling the sharp pain of guilt strike through her as she saw the tears gleaming in his anger filled eyes

"That doesn't matter, Amanda," Carisi said harshly "I can't look at you, I can't work with you. I never want to see you again" and with that said Carisi turned his back, vanishing into the black void that was quickly enveloping her world.

Amanda shot up in bed. Her heart racing and her body and clothes drenched in a cold sweat. She sat in her bed for what felt like an eternity, taking in heavy breaths as she tried to regain some oxygen in her burning lungs.

It took her several seconds to realize that it was all just a dream. She had not aborted the pregnancy, Carisi had not found out, and he didn't hate her yet. That last thought sent a spike of nausea straight through her. Amanda clutched at her mouth as she rose from her bed and scrambled to her bathroom. She wasn't fully awake yet, and as such, she almost fell several times on her way to the toilet.

When she finally did reach her destination, she unceremoniously dropped to her knees and heaved the meager contents of her late dinner. She instantly regretted eating the food Carisi had prepared for her.

After she was done throwing up she continued to keep her head in the bowl, not having the energy to even lift herself up. She was focusing on taking slow shallow breaths when she felt a soft hand rub her back and pull her hair away from the white lid. Amanda instantly stiffened, she realized she must have awoken Carisi.

"I'm sorry" Amanda found herself saying, bringing her back to that horrible nightmare she was just in not more than a minute prior

"Don't be sorry, Amanda, this is what I'm here for, remember" Carisi's gentle voice was caring and soft, not at all like the yelling and anger she had experienced in her dream.

"I'm okay, this was just a nightmare" Amanda claimed as she leaned back and attempted to get up. She was halted halfway in her attempt by the room spinning around her. Amanda would have fallen back onto the floor had it not been for Carisi's strong grasp to catch her.

"Whoa, Amanda, take it easy. I got you" He said as he grabbed onto her with both hands and helped lead her into the living room. He pulled out a kitchen chair and had her sit down. "Sit right here, I have something that can help settle your stomach"

"Thanks, Carisi," Amanda said as the room finally began to stop spinning around her. "I don't know what happened. That dream really messed with my head" she found herself admitting without thinking

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carisi asked as he opened a can of ginger ale and set it in front of her

"No, not really" she gave him a tentative smile to prove that she was alright and took a small sip. It wasn't until she placed the can down on the table, and spun it around in her grasp, that she realized what she was drinking "wait? I don't have ginger ale here, where did you get this from?" she questioned as she looked at him and then to the grocery bag on her counter that she barely noticed. "Why did you buy this? When did you buy this?"

Carisi looked sheepish as he looked back at the counter and then at his shoes. "Well… I uh… I knew that you'd be needing some. So, after you fell asleep, I used an app on my phone to have one of those delivery services pick me up some things"

Instant dread began to fill her. She thought back to when she was pregnant with Jesse, and how Carisi had been the first to figure it out, only shortly after she, herself, and learned of it. "What… How? When?" she didn't even confirm if he was thinking of her pregnancy and not something else. She just knew that he knew.

"I figured it out when you were eating dinner," Carisi said as he scratched the back of his head, Amanda had learned a while ago that this was Carisi's nervous tick he had when he was being interrogated by her.

"Dinner? What did I do during dinner?" Amanda thought back to what she had eaten or how she may have acted. She didn't think she had done anything strange for someone who had just been released from the hospital.

"You put ketchup on your eggs, you only ever did that when you were pregnant with Jesse" Amanda figured she must have had such a look of disbelief on her face because Carisi simply smiled and shrugged before adding "I tend to notice what people eat, so I know what type of food I can make them"

"I… I'm" Amanda didn't know what to say. She knew she would have to deal with this situation someday, she just didn't think it would have come so soon.

"It's okay, Amanda, you don't have to explain anything to me. I know you like your privacy. Just know that whatever happens I'll be here for you" Carisi said earnestly as he sat down in the chair next to Amanda and gently grabbed her hand "and if Alex doesn't treat you and the kids right, just know that I'll be first in line to kick his ass" he added as a joke

Amanda felt another strong sting of guilt as those words left his mouth. She could not help the tears that had suddenly formed in her eyes. "Geeze, no, Amanda, I didn't mean to hurt your feeling. I'm an idiot. That was a joke" Carisi hurriedly added, fearing that he had said the wrong thing and crossed a line

"No, Sonny, it's not…" Amanda took a deep breath. She needed to tell the truth about Alex, about the pregnancy, because if she didn't do it then she didn't know if or when she would be able to do it again. "You didn't say anything wrong. I just haven't been telling the truth" Carisi looked at her confused, but there was no sense of judgment on his face. "Alex is not my boyfriend, it's not even a he. Alex is another mom from GA and we've been hanging out for the support and for playdates with the kids"

Carisi leaned back in his chair. He was stunned. When the Italian detective first came to the realization that his partner was pregnant, he concluded it had to have been Alex, her boyfriend, who was the father. But now that Alex was a just a friend, a female friend, he didn't know what to think. "Why…" he started off with pure confusion covering his face "why would you lie about having a boyfriend?" he asked simply

Amanda pursed her lips as she thought about her next few words. "I don't know, I just" she let out a jagged sigh when she couldn't help her eyes from continuing to gather tears. Amanda hated acting like an overly emotional person, and the fact that she couldn't even pull herself together long enough to say a complete sentence frustrated her; unfortunately, her frustration only fueled the hormonal torrent of uncontrollable feelings raging inside of her, creating a vicious cycle that was about to send her spiraling.

Carisi was able to sense the forthcoming breakdown from the young mother before him, and his natural instincts to comfort her took over. He slowly leaned forward and embraced Amanda in a gentle hug, rubbing her back in reassuring circular motions "It's all right, Amanda, I am not here to judge you on your reasons. I just want what's best for you, best for Jesse and the new little one" he felt Amanda start to pull away from his grasp so he quickly let go.

Amanda let out a harsh chuckle as she finally sat back in her chair, whipping away the treacherous droplets from her eyes "will you not do that" she said with a painful smile. She truly appreciated Carisi and everything he does for her, but it is his kindness that was making what she needed to tell him so difficult.

"Do what? Hug you?" Carisi asked, again confused because he could tell that it wasn't the hug that was bothering Amanda.

"No, be so damn perfect" Amanda replied not really thinking about what she was saying

"You think I'm perfect?" Carisi answered back surprised, but for some reason, he enjoyed that comment. The idea that Amanda thought he was perfect, made him feel more central to her life than he knew himself to be, and he had to admit that he liked the sound of that.

Amanda quickly rolled her eyes, she could practically see his ego inflating. "No, Sonny, what I mean to say is that sometimes you're so caring that I think it's easy to misinterpret your intentions. I wonder what Conny must feel like being with such genuine man like you" again Amanda spoke without thinking. That was the problem she had been having with Carisi ever since Jesse was born. He made her feel so safe and warm that she would find herself unconsciously letting down her walls that she had spent a whole lifetime creating.

"Conny?" Carisi questioned back, now truly confused about what Amanda was talking about. He didn't even know that Amanda knew about his therapist. "What does she have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, just forget I even mentioned your girlfriend," Amanda said with a slight wave of her hand, she didn't want to talk about the woman sleeping with Carisi anyway.

"Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend, Amanda, why would you think that?" He asked

"Well, Fin told me she was" Amanda started slowly, slightly embarrassed about the mix-up "I mean, you kept on ditching us to be with her. If she's not your girlfriend then who is she?"

Carisi let out a sigh as he scratched the back of his head again, he was looking everywhere but at her "she's my, uh, therapists" he blurted out, squeezing his eyes shut at the last word. He knew her feelings on paying people to listen to your problems. He was worried that he would appear lesser in her eyes.

"Therapist?" Amanda parroted "Since when?"

"Well, after the case with the boy that was killed on the courthouse steps. It, uh, it really messed with my head, with my sense in life. Lieu helped me out by letting me talk to her shrink about a referral. That's how I met Dr. Connally. She's been great, I feel so much more comfortable about a lot of things now" he said as he looked down looking sheepish again "I just didn't know how to tell you, or Fin for that matter"

"Oh Sonny," Amanda said saddened by his confession "I'm sorry that you felt like you had to keep this a secret from us, from me," she said as she leaned forward this time giving him the much-needed hug

Carisi let out an awkward laugh as they broke apart "okay, enough about me, we should be talking about you" he gave her a real smile "you're going to be a mom again, and I know that you don't have to tell me who the father is, but can you at least tell me how far along you are?"

"I'm seven weeks pregnant, I actually just found out at the hospital yesterday" she spoke easily, wondering if this really was going to be the moment that she'd tell him the truth. Tell him about their shameless act he probably had no memory of. Their night of drunken sex, which was precipitated by the very event that had caused him to seek out therapy.

"Wow, this really has been a rough day for you, huh" he answered back without much thought. Before he replayed her words in his head. "Seven weeks" he repeated quietly, not sure why it felt so important to him until a sudden memory came flooding back "oh my God!" he exclaimed as he jumped up from his chair. He was suddenly filled with such nervous energy that he didn't even notice the startled expression on Amanda's face.

"Sonny" Amanda called as she felt a pit grow in her stomach, but her words seemed to have no effect on him

"I did it," he said not looking at her as he began to pace across her small living area, his hands clasped behind his head "it's my fault, you were drunk and I took advantage of you" he still wasn't looking at her

Amanda's heart dropped at his words, not only did he remember what had happened after they had left the bar, but he felt like he had somehow been an aggressor "Sonny" Amanda said getting up from her own chair and standing in front of him, she pulled down his arms so she could hold onto his hands "you didn't take advantage of me. From what I can recall, I was completely willing. I didn't even think you remembered that night, I actually thought I had taken advantage of you somehow" Amanda said with an uneven smile as she confessed to him

"How could I ever be unwilling to sleep with you" Carisi blurted out before thinking about his words "wait, I mean, I didn't mean…" he stammered as his face became red "um, no, I remembered, but you avoided me right after. I thought you were angry, I didn't know how to approach you about it; so, I gave you the distance you seemed to have wanted"

"Looks like we both made some very bad assumptions that caused us to have a lot of misunderstandings. Well, more so for me than you, I mean, I pretended to have a boyfriend because you were seeing your therapist" Amanda laughed finally letting go of Carisi's hands so she could awkwardly scratch her own head.

"Wait, you made up having a boyfriend because of Conny? You were jealous" Carisi had the largest smile on his face

"I wasn't jealous, I was just…" she thought for a moment "I didn't want to be single when you were not" she cringed at her own horrible lie, that only dug her deeper into the whole she was trying to climb out of

"What are we going to do now?" Carisi asked, his tone suddenly very serious. Now that he was sure he hadn't taken advantage of Amanda, he was starting to like the idea of being a father, but he wanted to know what Amanda was planning before he would break out into a dance

"I don't know" Amanda whispered as she took a step back. The levity of the situation suddenly felt like a weight on her chest, constricting her lungs "I don't know if I can handle another baby so soon" she stated honestly and she watched his face fall

"No" he whispered crestfallen "please, Amanda, don't tell me you're going to abort our child. Please!" he pleaded as he took a step closer to her causing her to take another step back.

"I haven't decided anything yet, Sonny, like I said I just found out" Amanda explained as she subconsciously placed a hand on top of her stomach "this is a huge responsibility, I don't want to bring a baby into this world when I can't provide for it. I won't let my children grow up hungry because I couldn't make the right choices. I won't let my children grow up like I did"

"They won't," Carisi said fervently "I will provide for all three of you, I promise. I'll start working more overtime, I'll even pick up an extra job if I must. You and the kids will never be hungry, will never have to want for more. Please, trust me, Amanda, I'll take care of it"

Amanda almost couldn't look at him. The intensity and sincerity of his words were almost tangible enough for her to touch, but she had been told these lies before. Never by men as honorable as Carisi, but the scars were already there. "You can't promise me that, Sonny, not something so large as this," she said sadly

"I can" Carisi fired back instantly "and I will follow through on it" he added as he grabbed her hand and brought her closer to himself "please trust me" he implored with his eyes shining. He knew that his entire future hinged on her decision.

Amanda waited several seconds before answering, tears were already gathering at her eyes again "alright" she said with a small smile as the first tear fell from her eyes "let's do this"

"Really?" Carisi responded excitedly, to which Amanda only gave him a nod. Her smile grew wider as his own excitement took him over. "Yes! Thank you, Amanda, I'll be the best father you could ever ask for" he exclaimed as he lifted her up by the waste and span her around

"Sonny" Amanda laughed at his antics but demanded to be put down anyway. She had only recently thrown up and she knew that spinning wasn't the best of ideas. Carisi had quickly realized his mistake and placed her back down with an apology. "It's alright," she said still smiling "but, uh, I know you said that you would provide for me and the kids, but you don't have to. Just focus on this one" Amanda said as she grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach, where their child was. "I can take care of myself and Jesse, I won't become a burden you need to bare"

"Burden?" Carisi said as if that was the most absurd thing he had ever heard "I would never consider you a burden. I care about you, I love you. I have since the day I first met you, and regardless if I am the man in your life or just a man in your life, I will always love you"

Amanda didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything at all. She simply leaned toward him and kissed him with a passion greater than the kisses they shared the night after the bar seven weeks prior.

No one had ever said such a thing to Amanda before. No one had made such a strong declaration and actually meant it. It made her heart swell with feelings that she could hardly describe. For once in her life, she wasn't afraid of the future, she was looking forward to it.


End file.
